Quick disclaimer; I am not an authority on dance or interpersonal communication. As requested by a couple of friends, this is a blog entry discussing some of my strategies for communicating with a dance partner. None of this is about unsolicited teaching/feedback on issues that don't do immediate or cumulative harm.
Firstly, there are two key assumptions that are the basis for all that follows:
1. It is always acceptable to say when you are uncomfortable or in pain.
Again for emphasis: It is always ok to say that you're uncomfortable or in pain and try to work to make the situation better. I would go a little further and say we are doing ourselves and the community a disservice if we don't communicate these feelings.
We can ask for what we want and hope to get it - or we can not ask and accept that the people around us are working at a disadvantage if trying to meet our needs. If dancers are working at a disadvantage to help create a safe, comfortable dance space, they are more likely to fail, and we are more likely to put them on our blacklists. Which leads us to my next point. . .
2. All dancers come to a dance intending to be respectful and respected. Everyone hopes to dance well and inspire smiles, laughter, and general good feelings. Each dancer wants to be a positive part of the community.
I don't believe that anyone comes to a dance wanting to cause injury or intrude on the personal space of their partners. I'm pretty sure that every single person wants to do their very best and wants their partners to feel happy, inspired, safe, and comfortable.
When I started thinking about dancers in this light, I immediately started to communicate more directly with my partners. I didn't want developing, well-intentioned dancers (all of us!) to be slowly pushed out of the community by getting on more and more blacklists without knowing why.
Tips for receiving feedback graciously.
Every time someone lets you know how a dance could feel better, they are investing in you as a member of the dance community and a future dance partner. If you are concerned that your partner's feedback may be a general problem with your style or technique, feel free to check with an instructor.
I have a personal resolution to smile, ask for clarification on any feedback I receive, check that my modifications are better for my partner, and then thank my partner for helping to improve the dance. This focus on smiling, implementing feedback, and thanking your partner may help you to frame the experience as a positive thing and not criticism as your instincts may tell you.
When perceiving criticism, many of us become defensive when asked to do things differently. This doesn't help us achieve our goals of improving our dancing and helping our partner feel comfortable. Defensiveness takes negative energy directed at us and pushes it out onto other people. It communicates that we aren't at fault. Unfortunately, in a two-person scenario, there's only one other target for that perceived blame.
For us to be able to communicate effectively, we need to be able to accept and respond to the needs and feelings of those around us as simply that.
A dancer asking you for more space isn't saying you're doing something wrong. It is not an attempt to call you a bad dancer. Your partner is letting you know how best to succeed in this dance, with this partner. Being asked for less tension in your arm, is probably not intended to be blameful, but a direct (helpful!) way to let you know what your partner likes.
Not knowing immediately how your dance partner prefers to dance is not a failure. Not adjusting for the comfort and safety of your partner is.
Explaining why your specific posture, style, dance moves, etc are acceptable, or otherwise arguing with your partner, communicates that you think your partner is wrong about what they feel, need, want. This isn't possible.
Dance is a cooperative activity and your partner has taken a step to make this and future dances with you more awesome! That is a gift and a statement of confidence in you as a dancer and a person. You will get the most out of it if you respond positively.
Tips for providing gentle, useful feedback.
There are many reasons you might want to ask your partner to modify behavior in a dance, for example you may be injured or have a specific pet peeve. As a follow your partner may be holding you more tightly than you enjoy or in a posture you find uncomfortable. As a lead, a new follow may be grinding on you, causing you shoulder pain by holding too much tension in their left arm, or jumping dangerously into dips. Whatever the case, your partner will not know how to help you feel safer and more comfortable if you don't speak up.
Important note on giving feedback- no matter how kind, gentle, and well-intentioned the feedback you volunteer, you will dance with people who will be very resistant to your input. I've gotten some responses that are completely unacceptable. I've been told, "just don't feel uncomfortable." I've been told that I wouldn't have worn torn jeans and a midriff top if I didn't want someone to touch the exposed areas of my body. More commonly, I have gotten a lot of defensive responses like, "technically, you should. . .", "Oh, I'm used to dancing with regulars. . .", and "No one else has a problem with this. . ."
It can be even harder to deal with responses that straight up say that you don't have a right to feel uncomfortable. But even in those cases, if you have the stomach and patience to engage in a discussion, some good can be accomplished. If you can't get through to the offender, you can refuse to dance with this person again and, depending on your comfort level, cite this interaction as the reason next time you're asked. Organizers also like to know if someone is over-stepping boundaries and then refusing to accept feedback on it.
With persistence and patience, the much more common problem of general defensiveness can be defused or circumvented. I try to do a few things to limit defensiveness and help to keep the conversation productive.
Keep it light, keep it positive. Whenever contextually appropriate and you are so inclined, smile and use a friendly voice.
Make specific requests and get buy-in. For example, if your partner is clamping down too tightly on your arm or back, you might say, "I'm uncomfortable in this position. Would you be willing to relax your arm a little?" Requesting a specific action is more easily understood and gets better results. Asking for buy-in will help your partner feel like part of the process and less like the problem.
Smile and say "Thank you" when your partner makes a requested adjustment. A big, bright, warm smile and a positive word will (hopefully) make giving and receiving feedback a positive experience. Once we're used to this exchange being friendly and non-confrontational, there will be an overall decrease in defensiveness.
Return the favor and ask if the adjustment is comfortable for your partner. If you want to, you can also ask how the changes are feeling for your partner. This continues to include and demonstrate consideration for your partner.
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When you encounter the inevitable resistance, it will likely be because your partner is feeling criticized and defensive. There are a few things you can try to help defuse defensiveness that has already appeared.
Keep it light, keep it positive. I know I already said this, but whenever you can, smile and use a friendly voice.
Feel free to repeat yourself. If you don't get the adjustment you were hoping for, use your nice voice to restate how you feel (uncomfortable, scared, pain) and the specific modification that is being requested.
We all get stuck in our habits, so it's not surprising if a dancer unintentionally reverts to their default style and needs to be reminded of our preferences.
See your partner's vision. Sometimes, dancers will be rough when trying to be dynamic, or get really close when trying to act out the passion in a song. If you understand the goal that your partner is trying to accomplish, it may help to acknowledge that goal and possibly suggest an alternative.
For example, like all follows, I have encountered leads who use more force than I require or desire. I have had a lot of success acknowledging his goal in my gentle voice and asking if we can try with less force. I tell him, with a smile, that I want to dance with him and I want to do what he suggests. I promise to follow his lead if I think it's safe and I know how. And then he'll try a few moves and I've always found these leads to be surprised to find they can get as much back with less effort.
Pick your priorities. If your partner does many, many things that you don't like, I would suggest picking the top priorities and only addressing them in that dance. The entire dance could be a negative experience for you both if you spend the entire time providing feedback to your partner.
End on a positive note. Even if your partner was defensive and resistant, if you noticed any adjustments following your feedback, try to end on a warm, positive note. Sometimes, I will get a lot of verbal push back and resistance from a dance partner through the entire process, but that person will actually be making physical efforts to improve my experience. Ending warmly will help set that person up to be more receptive in the future.
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If I were my best self in each conversation, I would use all of these all of the time. I don't manage to be my best self all the time, but even using just a couple/few of these strategies in each interaction seems to help.
Here is an excellent (and shorter) document to read on this same topic.
I would encourage you to try to change some of the phrases to practice into less "you" focused comments and more "I" focused requests, but otherwise this is full of great guidance on communicating with your dance partner.
tl;dr - It's always ok to say how you feel. No one goes out to a dance to be a jerk. Let's all be more receptive to and thankful for feedback and let's talk to one another with the perspective that we're all trying to do our best by each other.
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